I am not happy. There, I said it.
Shouldn’t that make it better?
This is
not a question of whether I am blessed or not.
I know that I am.
Nor is
it a question of my faith. It has never wavered.
So, what
is it? What is keeping me from being happy? It’s this new normal. I cannot wrap
my head around it. A lifetime of doctor’s appointments and a palm-full of
medicine is ahead of me. I don’t want to. I just don’t. It’s not a question of
whether this is fair or not. I certainly know that there are far worse things
and that a lot of other people have suffered far more than I have with this
disease.
I want
to lay down in the floor and kick my feet. You know, have a good, old-fashioned
temper tantrum. That would accomplish nothing, though. Except make my hair flat
on the back of my head. Lord knows I don’t need my hair to be any more of a
mess than it already is.
A friend
of mine recently asked me if I ever thought about driving off a cliff or into a
tree. Seems she’s been struggling with things in her life and the thought has
occurred to her. I’m not going to lie, it has occurred to me once or twice,
fleetingly. It would be so easy just to
be done with it all. No more worries about a job that I feel inadequate in. No
more doctor’s appointments, or blood draws, or shots in the stomach. No more
pills. No more overwhelming fatigue. No more puppies passing away unexpectedly.
But
there would be no more concerts or hugs from friends. No more puppies circling
my feet to go outside. No more time to pray for people who are hurting. No more
Sunday afternoons watching football with my best friend. No more snuggles with nieces
and nephews watching movies or dancing with great-nieces.
Where
does that leave me? If I want the hugs, the snuggles, to dance, I must have the
pills, the shots, the appointments. The fact is I cannot have one any more
without the other.
"And we know that all things work together for the good to them that love God, to them who are called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28 KJV
Yes, All things. I can't say that I am happy, but I am at peace. That's something.
"And we know that all things work together for the good to them that love God, to them who are called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28 KJV
Yes, All things. I can't say that I am happy, but I am at peace. That's something.
Love you. Thank you for sharing this with us. You are precious and loved, and you have much to live for. God knows your heart. We don't. Keep writing it down. It helps you, and it helps us know how to pray for you.
ReplyDeleteThank you. I love you.
DeleteBefore I met you, I knew you were an amazing friend, an amazing prayer warrior,an amazing mom to your fur babies, and an amazing person in general. Just know that it's ok to not be ok some days!
ReplyDeleteThank you, I am humbled by your words. Love you.
DeleteThere will be bad days, always in all of our lives. Many days I feel like staying in bed with my head under the covers. But it's never an option, I get up and start my day taking care of my mom. And just as you know the day will get better! I know it's not the same as your illness but it will be ok! Your faith and your circle of friends and family will always be there to lift you up! I don't have to tell you keep the faith cause you already do...but I understsnd just saying it out loud helps tremendosly!..get it out and go on ☺
ReplyDeleteYou are always in my prayers. We all will at some point face our "new normal" my first was 12 years ago with breast cancer, then almost 3 years ago when my husband passed suddenly. The one thing that is certain, is that no matter what we face, we are never alone. God is always with us, He is our strength when our strength fails. You are much loved, never forget that.
ReplyDeleteYou are a warrior in spirit and in prayer!! You have an anointed and favored impact on EVERYONE you come in contact with and I know my life has been blessed by God allowing your friendship. I know this is hard and certainly not anything you would choose to go through but you KNOW God is using your battle to bring many others closer to Him....I love you immensely and will continue covering you in prayer my dear friend. Thanks for being transparent and honest to say that no matter how deep our faith is and how peaceful we are in God's arm...sometimes it's just hard here on earth.
ReplyDeleteThanks, babygirl. You are a blessing and I love you.
Delete