Out of Control

            One of the things I have struggled with the most since my diagnosis is the feeling of being out of control.

Out of control with my health… My body has betrayed me. How could it do this to me? I have fed it, kept it warm, kept my cholesterol in check. No high blood pressure. No diabetes. All the while, it was crumbling on the inside, destroying my bones and immune system.

Out of control emotionally… The week I was diagnosed my support network saw fit to put me on an anti-depressant. And while I am thankful, I hate it. My motto in life has always been “the only thing we have control over is how we choose to react”. And now I don’t even have that anymore. I try. I really do.  I try to stay positive, to remind myself of my blessings.  And yet, I find myself crying into my pillow. Asking Alexa to play Casting Crowns’ “Oh My Soul” all night so I don’t wake up afraid.

Out of control spiritually… Let’s be honest here, while I have never asked God “why me”, I have wondered what His purpose was in all of this. And, couldn’t He accomplish it some other way? I have not worried about “healing” but I have wondered why He has allowed me to suffer some of the painful and distressing side affects of these medicines.

One of my favorite verses has always been 2 Corinthians 12:9 (NIV) 9 - But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 

If I am to believe that when I am weak, He is strong, then it stands to reason that when I am out of control, He is in control.

Hello, world. I am out of control. And it’s ok. No, it’s better than ok. For I know the One who is in control. And it is not His desire to harm me, but to give me hope and a future, see Jeremiah 29:11

I am sure I’ll have to remind myself of this, often. I may need you to help me remember it, too.

I am out of control, but He is in control.

I am out of control.

He is in control.