Fear

               I am not afraid to die. What I am afraid of is living. Living with constant aches and pains. Living with the fear of myeloma recurring. Living with the financial burden of never-ending medical expenses.

               I am ashamed of my fear. As a Christ follower, I know that we are told to “fear not”. We are told to “cast our cares” on the Lord. I have visualized kneeling at the feet of Jesus and laying my burdens down. The thing is, I have to do it multiple times during the day and night. And, I still feel this way.

               I am ashamed of my fear. I am ashamed of the weakness that fear exposes in me. When you are in the middle of an episode of fear, it is difficult to see beyond it. My dear friend, Dawn, strongly dislikes the use of the words Always, Never, Everybody. I get that. I also get that when you are dealing with a disease that has no cure, always, never and everybody feel like natural choices.

               I know all the answers. Pray and believe. Meditate on the Word. Cast your cares. This too shall pass. Simply choose not to be afraid. Some days, just one of those tactics is enough to hold the fear at bay. Other days, some combination of two or more is employed. And some days, you just have to ride it out.  That’s my today.

               I will fear no more. I will give my brokenness to my Savior, for He is more than able to calm my anxious spirit. I will meditate on Isaiah 41:10 - 

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

               This too will pass. My fear will eventually be replaced with a sense of peace – you know the kind – that passes understanding. It’s coming. And I will wait patiently.